Are we just thinking about ourselves too much?

Is the age of individualism fueling the age of anxiety?

Jemima Kirke best known for her role as Jessa in the iconic Girls gave us some food for thought, with this now meme-ified many times over Instagram story. In response to a question a fan put to her “What’s your advice to unconfident young women?”, her wry response was simply, “I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much”.

It got me wondering (heard it in the Carrie Bradshaw voice) is the age of anxiety simply sparked by our increasingly individualistic society and simply thinking about ourselves too much?

Living alone in Rome as a foreigner I find myself contemplating on myself a lot, is it the fault of having too much alone time to ponder or as a generation have we taken the so-called main character syndrome and self-care to the limits?

If you type ‘main character syndrome’ into any social media app, it will return hundreds of thousands of results citing personality traits which share a significant crossover with narcissistic personality disorder. Not limited to but including the belief, that the world revolves around you, that people notice you in every room you enter, utilising good deeds for recognition, over emphasising your own achievements, framing your online image in a way that doesn’t reflect your reality, not being able to accept criticism and an over-emphasis on controlling how you are perceived.

I recently posed the question to my mother when I asked her what self-care she had been engaging in - she asked me what I meant. So foreign was the concept I had to explain it was a commonly used term for engaging in things that were meant to promote wellbeing and generally just doing things that make you feel good - “so looking after yourself?”, she asked. I hesitated, not sure if self-care and the very Irish farewell of “look after yourself now” belonged in the same bracket. I explained that yes essentially, but on a more regular level and with a lot more forethought and intention put into it - she said that sounded like a lot of work which she didn’t have time for, before my dad piped up from the back concurring that his self-care consisted of simply “staying alive”.

Self-care in the western world is often equated with therapy, knowing one’s self - prioritising one’s own happiness and protecting one’s own peace.

In the pursuit of happiness and the elusive ‘inner peace’ it’s often much easier to put your thoughts and attention outside of yourself. Paradoxically, putting your focus elsewhere than yourself often feels better too, it’s no coincidence that some of the most charitable and humble people you know are the most personally fulfilled.

So the question is why are younger millennials and Gen Z so set on inward looking activities that serve only ourselves? There are several possibilities: the increased anxiety and solitude among young people, the fact that many are having families later than ever or not having them at all. It could also be a case of seeing ourselves as the one project we can control when a lot of other things seem out of reach or beyond our control ? Perhaps all of the above.

Last year, just before the exit of former British PM Rishi Sunak, there had been stirrings in British media about a distant possibility of going to war - it sparked a wave of memes and TikToks along the lines of ‘not me going to war’ awkward selfies, listing the various reasons why they couldn’t - including not being able to get oat-milk lattes, go on mental health walks and the lack of yoga in warzones. If we think back to around eighty years ago where scores of both men and women were all too ready to lay their lives on the line, it is rather difficult to imagine if the same willingness to serve a greater cause beyond ourselves would exist today.

Are we a more selfish generation or are we basically just thinking about our own wellbeing too much ?

Millennials the ‘me me me’ generation

The rise of therapy speak into normal lexicon is no coincidence either, the lay person on the street between 13- 40 would probably be able to tell you their attachment style and their love language - is that a good thing ?

The global number of users in the 'Smart bands' segment of the digital health market is forecast to continuously increase between 2024 and 2029 by 126.8 million users (+31.85 percent) why ? Because we need more data on ourselves, asking ourselves how we feel is no longer enough, we need it to be backed by hard science, I need data .. about myself, which will help me inform how I feel about myself.

Yet despite self-care being the highest it’s ever been, people have never felt so lacking - so is self-care actually care? Like the answer to most things, it depends. We’re advised to journal to figure out we feel mentally, we’re advised to track our bodies to figure out how we feel physically, we’re advised to meditate to figure out what’s happening to our subconscious selves, also don’t forget to hydrate - we’re tending to every possible aspect of ourselves, but is it making us feel good ? Maybe we don’t want to be main characters perhaps that’s too much pressure and some of us want to be the supporting role, a surefire way to discontentment is making ourselves the obsession of our own lives.

Literally no one else cares about your life as much a you do, and this should be the most freeing and liberating thought you can have.

The age of individualism

Having spent an extended amount of time in Ireland over Christmas, I was struck by how much I had forgotten the feeling of living as part of a large family unit, with an even larger extended family unit close by (Irish stereotypes are true). There was little to no opportunity for alone time, lest you leave the house and run into the countryside (I did this on Christmas morning in the name of self-care).

For someone who is used to living on their own terms, with independence, a constant communal energy is both affirming and challenging in moments. It's a stark reminder of how, in our age of individualism, we often forget the quiet power of being part of something larger than ourselves.

In a world that celebrates autonomy and independence, the challenge is finding balance – how do we honor both the need for connection and the need for personal space?

As a general growing trend in Western society, personal space is fiercely protected, and the idea of being alone is often celebrated. We live in a world where independence is glorified, where the quest for individual goals and self-identity comes before collective needs. Solitude has become not just a luxury but a necessity in many of our lives, marketed as essential for mental health, creativity, and self-preservation and in many ways it is.

Many of us have seen the headlines, around ‘generation stay-at-home’' and lamented the subsequent death of nightlife and clubbing culture. While the benefits of less alcohol consumption are clear, there’s a growing problem: we’ve become so accustomed to alone time that it’s starting to feel unnatural for many to exist in a communal setting for extended periods.

The shift toward individualism, especially in Western societies, encourages cultivation of our independence to the point where we forget the immense benefits of communal living—belonging, shared responsibility, and lasting connections. The irony being that, while we prize independence, we are more isolated than ever.

With the number of people living alone set to keep on rising, as we navigate the age of individualism, the question remains: How do we maintain our need for alone time without losing our ability to form meaningful relationships and be part of a supportive community?

Perhaps the answer lies in finding a balance between independence and interdependence, where solitude enhances our connections rather than replacing them.